I mediated a divorce the other day that lingers with me….
A very young couple, married only five years, decided to divorce. They cared deeply for one another, yet living together was undermining their care. They loved each other and wanted to divorce. “It just isn’t working,” she said. He agreed.
They were somewhat embarrassed by their perceived failure to make it work.
We proceeded to talk about the division of assets- the home they bought together, retirement and savings accounts. Technically, meaning legally, she was only “entitled” to a portion of his retirement account, because she had signed over all rights to the home they bought together when he refinanced in his name only in anticipation of the divorce. The appraised value, he knew, had gone down because of the current economic downturn. None of this mattered… Or maybe it mattered less than what lived in his heart. In his heart, he wanted to honor her contribution to their home. She laid hardwood floors and remodeled the home. She literally did the work (yes, she kept the power tools). When they bought the home, they bought it together. Both of their salaries supported the home and the marriage, even though his was higher and paid a larger portion of the expenses. He honored what they did together by offering to pay her for half of the equity calculated using a three year old appraisal.
We reality tested his decision. Was he interested in reconciliation? Did he understand the longer term implications of his decision? We wanted to ensure that emotions were not undermining “informed consent.” He was very clear about his legal rights and responsibilities, and he followed his heart.
I do not get to witness this kind of compassionate embrace during divorce very often. I walked away transformed. Sometimes following your heart means you offer what is legally yours. Sometimes following your heart means your care and concern for the well being of another person overrides what your lawyer is telling you to do. I imagine this young man sleeps well at night, aligned with his values of treating others the way he wants to be treated… With compassion and grace.
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