I recently found myself in a conflict situation, and I experienced firsthand what happens when there is no empathy.
We had some items stolen by a young man that worked for our contractor. The evidence was clear and indisputable, so I called the contractor to inform him of what we knew. His response led to a physical reaction in my body. My heart rate sped up, and I felt fearful and frustrated. I suggested he get familiar with his insurance coverage.
This was not my intended course of action. I wanted him to know so that others would not be impacted by their employee. I wanted him to know because the police would be contacting him for additional information. And when his response included no empathy whatsoever, I found myself reacting. My body went into fight mode.
I study this stuff. I know the psychology of conflict. I know how the amygdala triggers the fight or flight syndrome. I know how conflict can spiral… and it still happened to me. As Thomas a’Kempis said, “Knowing has little profit for my soul.”
I also know that empathy counters all of this. That is what was missing for me. I wanted some acknowledgment for my loss. I wanted him to say, “Oh man, I am so sorry that happened.” I wanted empathy.
I see this phenomena in mediation quite often. One party is agitated and “stuck” in a story, and no matter what the other party says or does, they can rebut. I see it as my job as a mediator to work with the parties to get underneath their story and touch the needs underneath. Empathetically connecting to their humanness reduces conflict.
I was able to get there myself after the phone call. I imagine the contractor was worried about his own reputation and his own liability. I get it. And I can understand his fears in a way that softens what was missing for me. I felt some compassion… for him and me.
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