I was in a mediation yesterday with a young couple trying to make their relationship work, and their difficulties seemed almost universal. Their arguments were over substance-situations that cropped up on a daily basis.
She was very organized and scheduled. She had a way to do everything and cared deeply about how their child was dressed, how her hair was fixed, what time she went to bed etc. He could care less about those things and wanted to care for his child without constant criticism when he did things his way.
I spoke to the mom for a few minutes about what it felt like to show up at a party and see that her daughter’s hair was not combed. She talked about what was right and wrong. I pressed for a feeling word instead of a thought and asked, “When you are telling yourself that her hair should be combed, what does it feel like.”
After two or three thought responses, she teared up and said she feels scared of what people will think of her… That she is a bad mother. As soon as her husband saw her and heard her in this place, he shifted. He softened. He saw that her “micromanaging” was not about him doing everything wrong, but instead was about her trying to protect herself from the fear of rejection.
And the mom realized the same thing. It’s not about him. She was able to hear that order and structure were a way to feel safe.
I love my job. I am blessed every day ’cause I get to touch the hearts of others. How cool is that?
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