Going through a divorce is scary. There are two opposing sides firmly rooted in their truth, and the stories of what happened and how we got here widely diverge. How do we find common ground? We must cross the divide.
How?
Deep listening
Deep listening helps us to recognize the existence of wrong perceptions in the other person and wrong perceptions in us. The other person has wrong perceptions about himself and about us. And we have wrong perceptions about ourselves and the other person. And that is the foundation for violence and conflict and war. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
So often in conversations, I am focused on proving myself right or innocent and miss the inkling of truth being delivered. I focus on what I want with certainty of how to get it without opening to the wants of the other person, so I stay in a circular, self-fulfilling loop. If I can make the shift to deep listening, mindfulness on steroids, I may hear what we have in common.
What might we have in common?
Everyone in the conversation may be reacting out of fear.
Everyone in the conversation may be deeply hurt and grieving losses.
Everyone in the conversation may want peace and security.
Time and time again, the connection to what we have in common opens doors. It creates a shift from “how are we going to divide this pie” to “there is more pie here than I ever imagined.”
I know it sounds counter intuitive to listen deeply to what I think is so wrong, and I know it’s not easy, but each time I find the courage to practice, something changes in me. Something shifts, and I am able to see things from a broader perspective. It’s like I connect to something larger than myself and some of the resistance to what is happening falls away.
I shift from being a rock that blocks the flow of water to the sea, to being part of the water itself, and water always finds its way around obstacles.
To read more about listening and empathy click here.
