I recently mediated a case and was so struck by the parties’ need for empathy. They both wanted the exact same thing but and struggled to come up with the details of how to make it happen. Their past hurts were sitting in the middle of the table like a neon sign creating a wall between their hearts desires for their future as co-parents and the reality of decisions like who would pick up the child at school on Fridays. There was a lot of back and forth like “I don’t want him to be late” or “I don’t want her to keep making me the bad guy.”
Feelings can do that to us. Our brains are 98% emotional, and if we do not have the tools and a safe place to process, we get stuck. We block ourselves from moving forward.
Empathy is one way I have found to get unstuck. Reflective listening – listening for feelings and needs- can detach the feelings from the present circumstances and open us to the creative, solution-making energy that we need to move forward. When we feel heard and seen, then we can hear and see ourselves with more clarity and understanding.
The question then becomes, “What do I want for my life?” versus “What do I NOT want?”
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