Hurt people hurt people

I listened to a short video of Kelly Bryson speaking about Nonviolent Communication this morning, and his message is exactly what I needed to hear…

Many of us live in families and communities where anger and pain is underneath the surface. In order to really have nonviolent communities and nonviolent families, we need to learn a unique skill. We need to learn how to initiate conflict – to bring the pain to the table. Otherwise we live in a kind of superficial serenity… a superficial serenity  versus deep harmony.

He goes on to share, “If we do not have any mechanisms to clear the conflict, we act out.”  This is my experience today. Someone in my extended family continues to act out by blaming and judging. In the language of NVC, they have an “enemy image” of someone else in my family, and all of their experiences run through this filter.  I understand psychologically how this works. I understand emotionally how this works. I understand because I have lived in that place, and it is not fun for anyone involved.

Bryson explains that NVC is a way to clear the conflict- the pains, the troubles, the confusions – and a way to create transparency. He defines transparency as “honesty from the heart.” Transparency is a choice not to stay stuck in the fight or flight responses that are so instinctive. It requires us to connect to our deepest needs, whether for safety and security, for being seen and heard with respect, or for belonging. It requires us to learn to talk about things in a way that we don’t have to fight, with ourselves or anyone else.

So how do we confront judgment and anger without becoming a mirror for it – without becoming the same thing that is coming at us? Can I stand in that ugly place where someone thinks ill of me without jumping to defend myself? Or can I listen to them with compassion and understanding, seeking to honor their needs?

This is my challenge. The blame and anger and judgment is where the sword enters my heart. It is where I can feel my need to be seen as good and valuable and kind. Sometimes all I can do is breath. Breath in and breath out and hold myself dear while the pain of their judgment flows around me. Tending to myself leads to courage and compassion. I can see my own innocence and widen the space until I can also see theirs.

From this place, I can listen. I can listen for their pain – the hurt that they are revealing to me. Bryson calls it becoming curious and trying to understand the person instead of labeling them as an enemy. “Connect versus correct” so I can see their humanity. Hurt people hurt people, and their lashing out is nothing more than saying, “I am hurting here!”

I am grateful for this reminder today. I was hurting this morning and really wanting to defend and lash back at the judgments of another. I am grateful to remember that nonviolence – when violence has subsided from my heart -always works, because it maintains my spiritual integrity, my dignity, and my relationships.