Feeling frustrated or anxious? Your feelings are telling you that there is an unmet need waiting to be addressed, and you can uncover your need using a simple process called Nonviolent Communication. Here’s how it works…
1. Identify what happened like a news reporter. Lay out the facts, nothing but the facts.
2. Pay attention to your body and identify your feelings. Think of your feelings as a wake up call to your unmet needs.
3. Notice what you are telling yourself. “He always waits until the last minute,” or “She is such a victim.” Our feelings and our thoughts are like a road map. They give us information about what we are wanting, and focusing on what we want versus what we don’t want is where our power takes hold. Criticism, analysis, and insults are tragic expressions of unmet needs.
I use the word power not in the sense of power over others and getting them to do what we want, but in terms of personal power, coming up with creative solutions to meet our own needs. Because the reality is, we are each responsible for meeting our own needs, and needs do not depend on anyone or anything doing something different.
4. Navigate to the need underneath I was recently frustrated when I couldn’t get someone to make a decision around planning for an upcoming event. I knew there was a lot going on that I did not want, and I let the judgements fly for about five minutes (using pen and paper) to get the anger out of my body. Then I pulled out my needs list, and the word “predictability” jumped off the page. I exhaled deeply. I have a need for predictability, knowing what is coming up so I can schedule around it.
I can take care of my need for predictability by making my plans for the event and sharing those plans with the others involved. “I am taking Pax and driving up Friday around noon, and I would love it if you want to go with me.” In this case it was that simple. All of the worry about the dog and the kids slipped away, because I saw that I was telling myself I should make sure everyone else was taken care of before I did what I wanted to do. I brought that all on myself. I was “should-ing” all over myself!
Practicing these steps gets easier and easier and the time between “Oh crap!” and “Oh .. okay” gets shorter and shorter. Understand that some conflicts require more painful decisions, and even still, you are the one making the decisions about your life, and when you are taking action to meet your own needs, life just seems a little more fulfilling.
If you want to learn more about transforming conflict into connection, I highly recommend . If you have any questions about a specific struggle, feel free to get in touch. Sometimes we just need a little help navigating to our answers.
(NVC is also known as Giraffe Language because Giraffes have the biggest hearts of all mammals, and they only use their power to protect needs)
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