NVC Certified Trainer Faye Landey wrote a wonderful article called “Taking the Dread Out of Saying No.” Her statement that fear of saying no is “embedded in the domination system.”
What is the domination system? It is a system where power over many lies in the hands of a few. In domination systems people are trained to think in ways that support the system.
We think our kids should mind us. We think our employees should show up. We think our students should follow our directions. We think our citizens should obey the laws. Marshall Rosenberg asks a great question, “What do you want your kids/employee/spouse to do, and why do you want them to do it?”
Being raised in this type of domination culture makes it hard to say no… to our parents, to our boss, to our partner… We learn that we should go along and get along. We learn to avoid consequences or punishment and seek to gain the reward. Many of our choices are not intrinsically motivated… do not come from our heart. We live from the neck up more often than not.
I wonder what it would be like if more was done by invitation. Where we asked each other questions like, “Would you be willing to participate?” and “What would need to be different for you to be willing to participate?” Participation truly is the key to harmony. Decisions made by group conscious – more buy in from more people-are more likely to be upheld. And they are more likely to be valued as worthy.
Saying no is an important part of reaching a group decision that everyone can buy into. Each NO tells me that the person is needing something – something that is preventing them from saying yes. Each NO is a teachable moment.
If I am willing to hear the NO, I get to learn more about the person, and I get to learn more about my own capacity to hang in there for the conversation.
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