What Do You Want?

Yesterday I had a five hour mediation where one party needed to tell her story over and over. I heard her grievances in detail so many times that I could probably recite them verbatim. When I reflected back what I was hearing, I translated negatives into positives. For example if I heard, “He is so irresponsible,” I said, “You are really wanting some assurance that you can depend on him.” Or “You are really wanting to trust that your children will be picked up on time.” Each time I would reflect back what she may be wanting, she would pause. The pause seemed filled with confusion like she could not take the question in.

And then she would launch again, telling me how bad and wrong he was and all the harm he had caused her. When her story became disruptive to the process, in the sense that there was no movement in any direction, I simply started asking,She could not answer.

Our brains can get stuck in an emotional feedback loop making higher level processing unavailable. In my experience, empathy can unhook us from the story so we can move forward. Yet sometimes the pain is too much to deal with in a mediated setting. It does not mean that mediation is not possible… it just means that it is not possible… yet.

Each participant must be able to answer the question, “What do you want?”