In the language of NVC (Nonviolent Communication), we are more likely to get our needs met when we make requests that are doable and presented in positive action language. The requests should be as specific and clear as possible. Today I got the opportunity to review a request I have made several times to my teenager.
Our driveway is one car wide and three cars long. My teenager pulled in the driveway and parked her car so that no other car could pull in behind her without having a tail end jutting out over the sidewalk and sometimes into the street. I have requested at least five times for her to pull in far enough for another car to pull all the way in behind her.
She responds with variations on the same theme: she was just running in and was not going to be here long, or she thought she would be gone before I got back. She is hearing me complain about her parking job that day instead of hearing a request for a change in parking behavior. Is my request as clear as it can be? What is she needing that prevents her from meeting my request?
Using the model of NVC, I will try and be as clear and specific as possible. “When you pull into the driveway and no other cars are present, would you be willing to pull up to this spot?” I will point to the spot – the minimum distance into the driveway that would meet my needs.
Speaking of my needs, I have a need for ease in unloading my belongings from the car. I have a need for comfort, knowing that my car is on my property close to my home. In street language, I want to park the dang car in the driveway! I can imagine that she has the same need for ease. She wants to pull in, jump out, and run in. I also imagine she wants the ease of not having to ask me to move my car if I pull in behind her. I imagine our needs are the same… but our strategies are quite different.
When I pull into the driveway, I pull all the way in which leaves room for two more cars. I think of those that may come after.Why can’t she remember to do the same? It’s really quite simple…
Neurologist Francis Jensen explains that the frontal lobe of teens is not fully connected so is accessed much more slowly – by design.
This also may explain why teenagers often seem so maddeningly self-centered. “You think of them as these surly, rude, selfish people,” Jensen says. “Well, actually, that’s the developmental stage they’re at. They aren’t yet at that place where they’re thinking about — or capable, necessarily, of thinking about the effects of their behavior on other people. That requires insight.”
And insight requires — that’s right — a fully connected frontal lobe.
Given this information, I want to be doubly sure that I am very clear and specific in my request… then I probably will just let it go. She is not doing anything on purpose and badgering her about it damages our relationship. And what I want most is connection… that need beats out parking in the driveway any day!
To learn more about Nonviolent Communication (NVC) click here.
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